Turns out I don't want to do much of anything-not exercise even though I know it will make me feel good. Not write, because it is so much work. I am only typing this because, well because I don't know what else to do right now. Home from work and I certainly DON'T want to clean the house.
Turning forty is supposed to be fun, the new 30 or something like that. I should go back out and get a tattoo, but I think around here it is too WT for us these days. My family isn't around, my friends are far away-I guess I am turning forty without the fun. I just want to cry, & I don't want to post this, but it is what I feel. And how honest is an online journal if you don't write what you feel?
I want to feel better, maybe if I just type away and post it, it will all be gone, all out there and into the world for better or for worse. So I don't have to feel so sad and well simply blue. I know we have plans for the actual date and I am excited to be with my husband and with the people that are nearby, but my mom and sister and family aren't here, my two closest friends are too far away caught up in their own lives at the moment-death and birth can really occupy the body.
Agh - cripes what is the use, I also don't want any fucking phone calls related to this. That is not what this is all about. I guess it is all about life and how getting caught up in the reality of life has kept me from being the fun loving person I know I am. The fun loving person I am fighting to be beside my gene pool of financial anxiety.
I just exercised, so of course I feel better now.
Let me explain my self better. I do not blame anyone for my emotional outburst. I am upset primarily because I need a shift of consciousness in my life. Things are far too hectic in my life . I am scrambling to maintain friendships with people I love and never see, with people who are close and with those of whom are far away. I believe the type of person I am is someone who wants time to be with those of whom I love and enjoy their company on a regular basis. The time and energy this requires is more than I have to give-that is the unfortunate part. I am so tired, so stressed that I barely have time to ejnoy my family let alone my friends. The shift I am talking about is something that I would like this household to undertake, but I am not quite sure how to do it. It is not only about getting a new job with less stress, it is also not just about finances-it is about enjoying life. isn't that why you have family and friend to begin with?