Wednesday, September 27, 2006


I am so freaking tired. The baby was up coughing from 1-3 am. I had him wrapped in my arms at one point elevated w/ 2 pillows. He finally passed out snoring away-flat on the mattress and I awoke half off half on the pillows to complete pain in my neck and shoulder. Had to go to work of I have an interview tomorrow am-b.c. if you happing to read my blog hahahahaha you will know that well I lost my job. Now I have to interview to get a new job and I am just not feeling the greatest. I feel let down, unready, wishing wanting a new career and freaked out worried angst ridden over the financial impact the loss of my job will have on my family-and I need to go back to school to get my MSN so I can be more marketable. HOW DID THIS HAPPEN! All I want to do is write, write children's books, articles, essays, short stories. Someday I guess.

Saturday, September 23, 2006

Dateline NBC To Catch A Predator

Every once in a while I see the Dateline segments about predators pedophiles on the internet and I get so upset. The plot goes that Dateline or someone else sends out an email in a chat room pretending to be a young boy or girl. Instantly this person is bombarded w/ email from older men. The men do really screwed up things, like send porn links, talk about sex, and eventually they talk the decoy into giving away the kids home address. They tell the decoy they will arrive w/ "gifts" alcohol, lingerie, webcams etc. The predator arrives at the house and comes in. Instead of finding a child they find Chris Hansen a reporter for Dateline who interrogates the pedophile with the transcript of the online conversation. All the men say they are coming over to help the child, or not have sex w/ the child etc. They basically lie. Than they leave the house and get arrested. They show them lying some more to the police, they show the police searching the vehicles finding drugs, alcohol and other "gifts". The show usually ends w/ the arrested men appearing before a judge. These are everday guys you see in the GENERAL POPULATION. Truck driver, doctors, a rabbi, software technician, Iraqi war vets. etc.

Every segment they pull in men. If Datelines Chris Hansen can do this so easily in random towns around america I just wonder how many men out there are that sick. It really bothers me that these guys think that this is ok. At the end of the last segment all the men were out on bail awaiting trial-gross!

So I came up w/ my own alternite version of what could happen: Instead of the investigative reporter at the house it could be a room full of mothers. These men will be interrogated first and afterwards the ones that really think they are going to have sex w/ an underage girl or boy will be drugged and the mothers operate on them installing an electronic buzzer inside their penis. This device will do two things both monitor where the guy is and also zap the guy everytime he gets an erection around young children. I mean zap him until he sizzles.This way everytime he goes to even think about harming a child his penis will be so hurting that he won't think of it again-and if he does well the zap gets more and more intense. I realize this is a little crazy and perhaps a little sick, but lets get real. These guys are sick and liars and the reality is, they will do this again if they have the opportunity. They are really never cured.

I would consider this a short story concept. As the mother of young children, I am very protective. I think as a country we need to have a more open dialogue about how not only protect our children, but how to solve the problem of pedophiles. Having sex with a child is not something that should be tolerated in any way in our culture. Hurting children is not something a civilized culture should allow and I am not sure why we do.

Wednesday, September 20, 2006

Inner Naomi Camp-bell

So, you know you are too tired when your inner Naomi Camp-bell rears her ugly head at your children, and for what? For simply not listening. How tired can you get? So tired, tired enough to yell when you don't believe in yelling, tired enough to get angry at a happy smiling 3 year old for not doing what a tired cranky 38 year old wants you to do. Oh man, how did this get to be so hard.

No I didn't pop a valium, have a vodka tonic or beat the shit out of them like some folks shouldn't. Instead I turned on the blessed coffee maker, made four pots and let them destroy the tupperwear cabinet. When they were done w. that and I was 2 cups into a jolt my older son announced it was pee pee on the potty time. So we ran for the potty, and called for the little guy (he just turned 1 and is teething something fierce) to crawl after us. He arrived just in time for the three of us the brush our teeth together. Than it was back down to the kitchen where I talked the big guy into cleaning up with me. At the end of it I was trying to remember what got me so upset to begin with. I love my children so much-but man oh man are they button pushers. Well really only the older one. The baby sometimes bites my nipple and laughs when he is done nursing. I tell him no and he cries when I put it away, but ya gotta set SOME limits!

Saturday, September 16, 2006

Upper Lake Fall 2005
So it is pretty amazing the response you get when you tell people you were just laid off. "So how is work?" they say, "Funny you should ask,but I was just laid off..." I have been pretty positive in my responses to people only because I just don't want to get too down about this. It seems like people don't know what to say about that, like they are surprised you are so positive and they get thrown off track. As if they don't know what else to say besides the monologue of support they are ready to spew. Like they are all ready to feel sorry for myself and when I don't say it, they don't know what else to say.

Thing is, as positive as I am it is a lot of shit to deal w/ you know w/ family responsibilities etc. I am feeling super positive, probably because I just don't want to let it get me down. Maybe around the holidays when my husband is going to want to spend $$$ we don't have (as we are already in daycare debt). That is when I will get bummed out. We are living a credit card nightmare. I never in a million years imagined getting married, buying a house and having two kids even when both parents are working fulltime would put a family over the financial edge. I must've been ignoring that part of school-the part where they discussed the demise of the middleclass. Oh that's right this country doesn't like to talk about class issues.

So I figured eventually one of us would lose our job, I guess I always thought it was going to be my husband! Ha, what an ego I have.

Thursday, September 14, 2006

Caffeine keeps me afloat.
caffeinated mommyzombie
arabica black
one cup too many
two cups too strong
I need my coffee
each and every morn
errands to run
pottytime rug
time to go
waiting at the door

I was laid off yesterday. Somewhere deep inside I knew it was going to happen. As much as I was griping yesterday-I wasn't quite prepared for this. Funny thing is I was actually looking at the postings on line at area hospitals. I am an NP and I work in women's health care. The large teaching university hospital I work for in is debt-specifically the dept. I work for is 7million dollars in debt. They decided after a new dean came on to lay 10 people off from my area. I am one of the 10. Whoppeee! They also decided to give us a sevrerance package-I am very thankful for that.

Relief? stress? anxiety? all a part of my new concept of me. How do I mourn the loss of a job that I have had for almost 5 years? How do I provide financially to the needs of my family, what kind of health care insurance will we have? All of this is going thru my mind. I want to cry, I want to jump for joy. I can start fresh, I can look for something closer to home, better for our family, but then how will we pay for daycare for our kids. That is the part I am also worried about. Right now we are in debt for daycare around here my salary will be nowhere near as good as it was in NYC. Will we make enough? I just don't know. I am so just looking for a space to cry right now, but I can't seem to do it. I took today off and well I just wanted to be alone to think about things and here I am alone blogging unable to cry.

Wednesday, September 13, 2006

I hate my fucking job and I want to quit so badly-how do people do this? How do they work full time, have kids,function and take care of a family. It seems like we just cant do it. Between my husbands commute and mine life is just sucky. we fall asleep about 1/2 hour after the kids-wake up early and start the crap all over again-its like a fucking nightmare.I barely get to talk to my husband and the weekends are shot doing shit for the house. All our money goes to daycare and the mortgage-we are constantly trying to get out of debt. Is this what life is supposed to be about. Having just returned from vacation I finally realize just how stressed out I actually am. I hate this shit.